I was going to write a story about being bi-polar or mentally ill explaining to you how daily life is, and how against medication I was. Instead, I am going to tell you a love story, and how I know that life on meds isn’t as bad as I thought. I have been bi-polar most of my life. I was first diagnosed in 1992 when I thought I was just having a yearlong case of postpartum depression. I don’t remember if they put me on meds or not way back then, but since coming to Springfield and finding all the help I need to pay for meds, I have been on them all. Taking meds is a hit and miss experimentation with a barrage of different meds till the doctor finds one that works right for your body and mental chemistry.
.For years I was against meds. After trying so many of them that left me with side effects ranging from being suicidal to sitting in a corner and crying for days, to walking and feeling like a zombie, completely numb inside and out. I couldn’t take it anymore. So I decided to do it on my own. Let me tell you now, I don’t recommend this to anyone.
The 4th or 5th time I quit my meds, I started drinking, heavily. Not a good situation with my diagnosis. Not to mention smoking weed during the day to hold me over till I got to the bar. Things did not go well. I found myself in one abusive relationship after another, where most of the time I was being the abusive one because I couldn’t deal with the anger I felt toward my partner for doing all the things I allowed him or her to do to me. Generally I was the one that worked. I drove a cab, sometimes 14-20 hours a day, all this did was make getting into trouble a lot easier. I paid all the bills, I paid for all the partying, and generally, the partner was living with me with in a week of dating. Life was not pretty. I had to give my daughter back to her father till I got better, but once she was gone; life really went downhill from there. I ended up homeless 3 times, crashing on one couch or another, I even started stripping. You should have seen it, me 280 pounds stripping for money. Needless to say I didn’t make much in tips! Then I got locked up for attempted suicide.
I don’t remember much about getting to the hospital, I do know that when I woke up 2 days later, they wouldn’t let me go. But I got the care I needed and the help to get me going in the right direction. I took my meds like a good girl… got government help, an apartment, and I got my daughter back. After a while I got my physical condition under control, I’ve lost 70 pounds and my blood sugar and cholesterol is good, so I got off my meds again, just to see if I could do it. I still hate the thought of being on meds for the rest of my life, but what I went through after quitting again, I will now never quit again.
I started drinking again, had pot parties at my house on an almost daily basis and after losing a great job, I tried to become a prostitute, I couldn’t deal with the shame, but I met some great people, who became a big part of my life, and they have done a pretty good job of keeping me on track, but as time moved on, things got worse. Recently I started cutting myself and have scars that will be with me for the rest of my life.
Today I am back on my meds, the doctor tried something new, and the way I feel is so incredible that words can’t do it justice. It’s because of my meds that I am able to produce this paper. It’s because of my meds that my daughter and I are as close as we are. It’s because of my meds that I was finally able to love and respect myself enough to find the love of my life. Being right in the head and in my heart has made it possible for me to meet even more people, and has made me very able to weed out the bad ones. The man I am with now buys me flowers and sings me to sleep. He shares his heart and soul with me and tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am.
It can get better, if you want it to. But for the happiness to start, you have to make yourself healthy. If you’re supposed to be on meds, take them. It’s not an easy road, you may have to go through a few trials and downfalls to find the right medicine combination, but listen to me, IT’S WORTH IT!!!
I dedicate this story to my Baby (you know who you are) and to all the mentally ill who feel hopeless in finding peace. It’s out there, it starts with a call to the doctor.
Change has to start somewhere
~Da Dizzy One~
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